When I say "I Love You" what do you heaR?

Many times people around me ask me my opinions of different topics. I usually just respond and move on but this one seemed to stick and I wanted to continue the conversation on here!

THE QUESTION: Do you think relationships fail because we love them the way we would want to be loved as opposed to how they would like to be loved? Is that question to have before you enter a relationship?

I’d begin to answer this question with a simple, yes.

The long response: Yes, we do tend to love people the way we want to be loved. And yes, because of this many times relationship fail. I’m not sure there is a clear reason as to why we love people how we want to be loved, other than because it’s all we know. We lose site of the person we are with and start creating a different person in our heads. One that goes with everything we want and everything we want people to think our partner is.

As far as loving people how we expect to be loved. Yeah, we all do this. Why? Because it’s easy. It’s easier to love someone for what you already know then to get to know them in depth and figure out what it is they want from you.

This is where miscommunication comes to play as well; and why communicating well is imperative. I will never forget in my Communications class in college our professor taught us the the communications diagram. She put on the board the words “ I LOVE YOU” and asked five students in the class to write down what these words meant. She then read them out loud, each student had a different answer. Her point was to show that what you say is not necessarily what someone hears. When you utter words into emptiness things like passed experiences, body language, tone of voice and self knowledge impacts with how someone receives these words.

Bringing it back to the above question, just because you tell someone you love them doesn’t mean love to them means exactly what YOU are SAYING. Everyone’s definition of love is different and that is a good thing. We all have different life experiences which combined make up the definition of love in our own lives. Your living hood with this individual, your conversations with them and even your arguments should help you understand what it is this means to them.

For Example; to me love means: Honesty. Open Communication. Loyalty. Laugh. Compromise. Friendship. This doesn’t mean that it’s your definition.

THE SECOND PART OF THE QUESTION: And should we change the way we show love to fit the need/want of the person you are with?

My answer to this question varies. Yes, we should be able to compromise in certain topics. But It’s imperative to always keep your soul and hard values intact. This is why it is important to know what you want out of something. If you are entering a relationship and it is something you want for the long run then you should be willing to compromise things as well as your partner. If you know this is just something temporary then maybe these deep thoughts aren’t even in site.

To wrap it up and keep it simple, i’ll tell you this… Communication is key. Compromises are necessary. Love is work, it isn’t just a feeling. I think over time we realize what works for our partners and what doesn’t but it takes communicating well and willingness to compromise. Know that sometimes you might want to give this person a brand new car but to them it means more that you spend two days with them without any work or distractions. We all want different things, the key is to find someone willing to know you enough to give them to you.

xoxo P$